Hello one and all. Yes, I realize that my idea of staying up with the every day posting for the Daniel Fast has completely fallen to the side. I would like to get you up to speed but honestly, my mind is racing from one thing to the next with ideas of where to begin and how to write this post today. Stick with me because this may be all over the place. :)
Today, I had the awesome opportunity of spending the day with all the girls from Coastal Christian High School. My husband teaches there for those who don't know that. Each year, they have a Spiritual Enrichment Day. This day is dedicated to enriching the lives of their students spiritually. An awesome time for both students and leaders to be a part of!! They separate the guys and galls and the teacher heading up the girls portion got in touch with me and asked me to help with some of the event. I was so excited that she asked me!! Since dating Matt, I have felt like just his "other half" when we would be at events for the school. This time though felt different. Macie personally sought me out and asked me to be a part of it. I was so honored to have this opportunity!!
Well, as the week got closer and closer, I realized I was getting a bit nervous about helping out. It really hit me last night (although, I kept it deep down inside ha...) that I was feeling very inadequate to do anything with these students. Macie had asked me to put together a mime/skit to a song by Casting Crowns called "Set Me Free". I was excited to do that!! Choreographing was just up my alley!!
But.....
The doubt was very much there as we finished up (finished putting the ENTIRE piece together within an hour might I add). I left the church thinking how I was not going to be able to reach any of these kids. I was going to be a resounding gong on all their ears and nothing was going to be accomplished through me. The skit looked great. It was pieced together wonderfully and all those who were in it were open and willing to do whatever they needed to do!! I couldn't have asked for a better cast to work with. Honestly.
But there was still something missing for me.
And I just couldn't put my finger on it.
Until I was leaving.
I was looking at the ladies I was standing beside and felt this overwhelming sense that my relationship with the Lord was nothing like there's. My faith and understanding of God's word was no where near what they have!!
I was looking at the ladies I was standing beside and felt this overwhelming sense that my relationship with the Lord was nothing like there's. My faith and understanding of God's word was no where near what they have!!
*Please cue the sad violin music now haha*
I left feeling happy that the piece was finished but defeated at the same time. All the stuff we were trying to reach the girls on was all of a sudden heavy on my heart and making me feel inadequate. I knew this was Satan just trying to get at me and boy was he winning!! I got home and just wanted to sit quietly and pray. Pray for peace over my mind, courage to open my mouth and say what the Lord laid on my heart, and to just feel a freedom so real. I went to bed a little uneasy about everything.
As soon as I got to the church this morning, there was a change. I didn't know what kind of change but there was a difference in my mind and heart. I had woken up with an excited nervousness. I don't know how else to explain it honestly!! We all prayed together before the girls got there and everything got started. As we prayed, I silently asked God to use me in whatever way today. I asked that he speak to these girls.
As soon as I got to the church this morning, there was a change. I didn't know what kind of change but there was a difference in my mind and heart. I had woken up with an excited nervousness. I don't know how else to explain it honestly!! We all prayed together before the girls got there and everything got started. As we prayed, I silently asked God to use me in whatever way today. I asked that he speak to these girls.
High school is a tough age. I hated high school and I could only imagine the things that these girls were struggling with!! As we broke off into groups, I became really nervous because I really didn't know what I was going to say to my group of girls!! There was nothing that I had planned or written out or even specifically prayed for. When I was praying last night, I just got one thing from the Lord and that was...
"Just open your heart."
"Just open your heart."
Open my heart....
WHAT?!?!
What does that look like????
You can understand my frustration when that was all I got. I was hoping for this elaborate long list of verses and words to just be pouring out.
Nope.
Just simply, open your heart.
So as our small group time got started, I prayed for that. An open heart. We went through a page of questions and at first, none of them wanted to talk. That's when I knew what God had been saying. "Just open your heart." I started speaking without even knowing it. I told them hurts that I had to endure, failures from people close to me, and negative words that I had believed of myself for some time. After one of the girls opened up, tears streamed down my face as I related to her and explained where and when I had to re-find my identity in the Lord. Several other girls began opening up and expressing hurts, struggles, and bondage's that they were dealing with also. I thought that was it. I thought there was nothing else God had me there for. And I was ok with that!!
Then we went back into the sanctuary to finish up.
I watched as ministry time started and all the leaders were up towards the front open for anyone to come receive prayer. I saw girls opening up to one another. I watched as friendships were being restored and forgiveness given and received. To watch these girls being so opened and vulnerable with one another was an amazing time for me to watch and be a part of.
In this moment, I was gently reminded of something that I had been saying to those ladies in my group.
"Jo, you are not a mistake.
You are not a failure.
And you most certainly were not created for nothing."
At the very end, a young lady walked up to me that I know somewhat and said to me, "I just wanted to say thank you for being a part of our school. I know you don't teach here but I just thought you should know I'm thankful that you support us at like the games and here today. So, thanks."
I was blown away!! I had thought all night and most of the day that there was no need for me to be there and be a part of this. Yet, here was this young lady telling me thank you for being there and supporting them. How cool is that!!!!! Talk about encouragement coming out of the blue!!!!!!
I know this one post is a bit long but allow me to end with one more thought. The verse over today was from John 10:10.
"The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that YOU may have life, and have it to the full."
And there was another that kept ringing in my ears which is from Psalm 139:23-24
"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
Both of these have spoken to me all day long and even over the past several days (that second part can be for the next posting so stay tuned!!). But here and now, I long for these so much!! I want to live my life to the fullest in Jesus Christ but I know that I have not allowed myself to let God breathe on me for that to happen. When I look at the passage from Psalms, I am aware that allowing God to search me and test me is the way for me to have an abundant, full life. I know that I carry a lot of hurt from both pasts experiences and hurt for others. When He gets in there and cleans out the mess, the baggage, and all the emptiness from pain, then, I will be able to live a full life. This needs to be done on a regular basis for sure or my temple begins to look like a hoarders house!! It seems God has begun some cleaning since this fast started and there are some new coats of paint, pictures, and cleaning of windows that need to take place. This very well may be in another posting so definitely stay tuned!! :)
A hui kaua.....
In this moment, I was gently reminded of something that I had been saying to those ladies in my group.
"Jo, you are not a mistake.
You are not a failure.
And you most certainly were not created for nothing."
At the very end, a young lady walked up to me that I know somewhat and said to me, "I just wanted to say thank you for being a part of our school. I know you don't teach here but I just thought you should know I'm thankful that you support us at like the games and here today. So, thanks."
I was blown away!! I had thought all night and most of the day that there was no need for me to be there and be a part of this. Yet, here was this young lady telling me thank you for being there and supporting them. How cool is that!!!!! Talk about encouragement coming out of the blue!!!!!!
I know this one post is a bit long but allow me to end with one more thought. The verse over today was from John 10:10.
"The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that YOU may have life, and have it to the full."
And there was another that kept ringing in my ears which is from Psalm 139:23-24
"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
Both of these have spoken to me all day long and even over the past several days (that second part can be for the next posting so stay tuned!!). But here and now, I long for these so much!! I want to live my life to the fullest in Jesus Christ but I know that I have not allowed myself to let God breathe on me for that to happen. When I look at the passage from Psalms, I am aware that allowing God to search me and test me is the way for me to have an abundant, full life. I know that I carry a lot of hurt from both pasts experiences and hurt for others. When He gets in there and cleans out the mess, the baggage, and all the emptiness from pain, then, I will be able to live a full life. This needs to be done on a regular basis for sure or my temple begins to look like a hoarders house!! It seems God has begun some cleaning since this fast started and there are some new coats of paint, pictures, and cleaning of windows that need to take place. This very well may be in another posting so definitely stay tuned!! :)
A hui kaua.....
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