Well, the Daniel Fast is officially over tomorrow. We, as a congregation, will break the fast tomorrow with taking communion together. Looking over the past several weeks, I have some mixed feelings about it all. It's been hard, there have been tests, and prayers have been answered. It is definitely far from true to say that God hasn't done great things. I feel the three weeks were broken into three different emotions (I know that sounds weird but let me explain).
The first week I felt very far from God. I couldn't hear Him speaking to me, I felt alone, I felt like I had started all this to sit in silence for the entire duration. These feelings of course ended the first week in a bit of frustration and anger but as the second week started, I realized that this process had been a cleansing time. I think I posted in an earlier blog that you must clean out an area in order to bring in new things and that's just what I was feeling like after the first week. God can't pour out what He wants for you to hear or receive if you are bogged down with other things. During this first week, we stuck very strictly to the Daniel Fast Diet. In retrospect, the first week was a cleansing time.
The second week was when I really started feeling the Lord speaking to me. In small whispers at moments and through things I saw or read. He reminded me to "Taste and see that I am good, Joanna." He began opening my eyes and heart to what it truly means to be a servant. Part of being a Christian is to serve others around us. I would like to think that I have always had this mindset but when it came to work, I didn't see it that way. Every time I would walk into work, I felt Him whisper to my heart saying, "Are you going to serve others the way I want you to serve them or are you going to serve them because this is your job and you have to do it?" I was reminded to keep my focus on heavens perspective and not my own worldly perspective. During this second week, I was reminded of what a servants heart looks like. It's a process and not something that happens over night but in the end, it's so rewarding to understand what that truly is. Another thing I was learning was how much God longs for a love relationship with Him from us. He loves us unconditionally and that's a hard concept to accept and fully understand. I am still trying to wrap my brain about it!! But being reminded of my relationship with Matthew and how our lives became one followed very closely to how God wants me to look at Him. He's been there since before my parents even knew I could be an existence. From that time before I came to be, God loved me and had already started a love relationship with me. I learned (and am STILL learning) to give that love back to Him.
At the start of the third week, I became more worried about what I could and could not eat and therefore I had placed a lot of time on the food aspect while still trying to balance spending time with the Lord. That wasn't working out. About Tuesday or Wednesday, I was completely consumed with not eating certain things that I realized several days had gone by and my focus was far from where it needed to be. I went into this fast longing for more time with my creator. Matt had been sick all weekend and was still not feeling himself completely by Tuesday. (*I would like to mention that Tuesday evening was also the night that my mom and I went to see the Soweto Gospel Choir at Kenan. I will post about this time in an upcoming post. Stay tuned!!*) So, how do I say this?? I guess you could say I changed up my fast this past Monday. I have still kept my distance from Facebook and TV shows but did eat chicken and some dairy products a few times this week. I know what you're thinking, "How could you just stop all of a sudden in the middle of a fast?!?!" I say to that, because my focus was no longer on spending time with the Lord but focusing on when I was going to eat next and if I had anything I could eat. This fast was not about the food, although that was a part of it. The real reason for this fast, at least for me, was to gain a deeper relationship with the Lord and receive direction on many areas of my life. My worry of meals was getting in the way of that. A week ago I was stressing about our possible move to the Caribbean.
How was that going to work??
Where would we live??
How would we live??
What about all our things here??
I asked God for peace about this option and that I needed Him to help me see through His eyes. I dove heard first into His presence, aching for direction. I found that yesterday. It might seem like the last moment when God would finally pull through, but it only seems that way because I was expecting it in my timing and not His. I didn't work yesterday so I was home all day. I found myself pouring over blogs from students that are currently at St. George's. I found out that there is a whole group of significant others who have created a support group of each other and those new students coming in. The peace that I was looking for had come. I saw that if we do move down there, there are others who understand the change that we would be going through and are willing to help me through it. There's a group of ladies who have started working with some some of the kids within a school (I don't remember if they are orphans or if its just a like an after school thing). It sparked my interested. Above that, several of these families are Christians. I was just reminded that no matter where we go, God will provide a healthy transition for us and will not leave us alone. "I will never leave you or forsake you." As long as we are following God's plan for our lives, He will be diligent in providing for us and taking care of us. Without Him, we are nothing. This is what I have been looking for throughout this whole fast and finding it at the every end was absolutely priceless to me and an answer to my hearts prayer.
I know the fast ends officially tomorrow but this is not where I want my thought process to end when it comes to spending time with the Lord. In this last day, I turned to 1 Peter 1:13-25. There's so much in these few verses that I have just soaked up and are continue to soak up. Starting in verse 24, it says:
"All men are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;
the grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of the Lord stands forever."
His word stands forever and goes for promises in the Bible as well as promises He has spoken to me. We will be taken care of no matter where we end up. It's hard to fathom leaving a place that's so comfortable and that you have grown up in. God is good. Bottom line. :)
A hui kaua......
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